Posts tagged as:

things that keep me from going to bed where my husband is waiting

I have nothing.

Tis 3 am 4 am on Sunday morning, I am supposed to have published a post on Saturday to meet the NaBloMoFo objective: Guess. One post every day. I have only three more posts to go. For someone who has not filled out a journal past page 10 since, eh, ever, I am actually quite proud of myself for having come this far. Yet, I have nothing. Is it possible to have Writer’s Block when you are technically not a writer? How bad you ask? So bad that I am humming this in my head …



Now THAT is bad, huh. You believe me now?

This brings me to present you with yet another filler post called…

Things My Husband Said that But for the Mercy of god My Children Didn’t Become Orphans with One Parent in Jail…

Scene 1

I suffer from severe morning [sic] sickness. So severe that as soon as I started heaving, I knew I was pregnant with Mr. Monk even before I peed on a stick, that I lost 10 lbs. in the first two weeks in my first pregnancy and almost 20 lbs., in my second pregnancy, that I practically lived by the toilet throughout the entire pregnancy, that I did not stop involuntary vomiting till Mr. Monk was born, that I felt I was starved for nine months and made the mistake of making it up by gaining weight after the pregnancy when clearly I should have done it the other way around…

This is not about how my husband took it upon himself to name the toilet The Porcelain Throne, as in “She is worshiping the Porcelain Throne again.”

On our way back from a routine checkup, after the doctor reassured me that my rapid weight loss during the first trimester was not endangering the baby especially since it happened the exact same way with my first born, my husband claimed that he had a theory about WHY I AM PUKING MY GUTS OUT, and also about WHY I AM HAVING IT TOUGHER THE SECOND TIME AROUND.

“Oh, really?” I was curious. With sincerity.

“How much did you weigh when we first met?”

“Hmm. 155 lbs. I think.”

“So when you were pregnant with [the oldest], you were like what? 165 maybe?”

“Yes…” I don’t care who you are or what kind of solid-fortress relationship you have got going there. Nothing good is going to come out of a pontification on a woman’s weight by her husband. Nothing.

He got really excited now. “You see. You lost about 10 lbs. in two weeks right? So you quickly got down to your ideal weight.”

“Ok…” Again. Nothing good is going to come out of the said husband mentioning the word ideal weight. Nothing.

“You were a lot heavier before you were pregnant this time, right?… [Mulling it over] You were like 180 lbs. no?”

Oh. For the love of god. Please see my comment above.

Taking a deep breath, I corrected him, “No. I was like 172. TOP!”

“Well, but you WERE heavier.” He got more excited because he could see his theory was going to be proven. Soon.

“Fine.” Heh heh. We all know what THAT means.

“So you see, this is the NATURE’s way to get you down to your ideal weight as soon as possible, again.”

He didn’t say it, but I could hear the “Ta da!” in his voice. Unfortunately, he was NOT joking. This was for him a scientific theory. Or, at least, A theory. I could SEE the words forming in 3-D gigantic block letters. With Jazz hands.

TA-DA!

“So… are you saying that I am throwing up because I am FAT? I am FATTER so I throw up MORE?”

In case you are wondering, NO, I did not murder him right then and there. No, I did not divorce him either.

My apology to all the foremothers before me that have fought for our liberation. My apology also for the fact that there is not going to be a SCENE 2. I thought there was going to be but I ran out of steam. I am now all indignant all over again. And as you know, indignation drains your energy faster than an amorous vampire bite.

As a consolation prize, here is a short vignette of Things My Husband Said… in case you haven’t got enough of this Tomfoolery Jackassery:

“What does NaBloPoMo mean?”

“It means National Blog Posting Month.”

“Huh?”

“*sigh* It means I have to write a post on my blog every single day for the month of November.”

“Do you know, *cough*, that December is NaBloJoMo?”

Nice try.

No dice.

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On 17 October 2009, the lovely Jane over at They Call Me Jane temporarily lost her mind and shared with me another award that she just won.  It is displayed below as Exhibit 1 Exhibit 2:

Kreativ Blogger Award

If I don’t end up in the nut house, it is partly because the love and support from a stranger, who no longer feels like a stranger any more, and her name is Jane.  I am not saying this because Jane has given me two awards.  Two awards!  That’s got to count as something, right?! She is one of the most level-headed, fair, rational, understanding, sensitive, thoughtful, and wisest people I have come to know through this thing invented by Al Gore. Her blog is like a fresh breath of air: a thinking blog that does not put your to sleep.  And the most important thing is?  She is REAL.  She is NOT pretentious.  She is naturally cool without having to say one single cuss word.

At this point, after reading her blog on a nearly daily basis, Jane can say nothing wrong in my book.  If she says, one day, and this is purely hypothetical, people, that she is actually a bunny killer, Imma gonna guess it is the bunnies’ fault.  Just sayin.

It took me more than 2 weeks to officially “accept” this award because I have to come up with 7 random things about me.  I guess nothing X-rated is allowed…  And you all know, at least those who have read my blog on a semi-regular basis (i.e. more than 3 times in the past 6 months), that I am Asian, more specifically, Chinese.  There goes my Number 1 through Number 3: Hi, surprise! I am Asian/Chinese. I can speak/read/write Chinese. I like rice. (I DO! DAMN IT!).

Ok.  Here it goes, in no particular order:

  1. I am secretly obsessed with angels.  As in, I believe in them.  Or, I strongly wish they are/were real, even though I am not Christian. I envision them to be the angels in Wim Wender’s “Wings of Desire” (Der Himmel über Berlin). NOT the Nicolas Cage one. Oh, god, no.
  2. I am agnostic because I am too cowardly to make up my mind.  I want to have my cake and eat it too.
  3. I am a classic insecure overachiever.  Psychotic.  A bit bi-polar.  I guess I should have added these to my “About” page. Oh well.
  4. Laziness and fear of embarrassment are the driving forces of my life.
  5. I played Lizzie Borden in a play when I was in graduate school.  In fact, I played a few other homicidal characters, including Hamlet and one of the women in “Unfinished Women Cry in No Man’s Land While a Bird Dies in a Gilded Cage” who gets to wield an ICE PICK!  (I was totally typecast, I suspected…)
  6. Being on stage was the only times when I felt completely free.  I miss that feeling with a heartache, barely noticeable except during the night, when I am writing to nobody.  Like now.
  7. I also played Billy the Kid (adapted from Michael Ondaatje’s book) and I had the best lines in my acting career:

After shooting Gregory
this is what happened

I’d shot him well and careful
made it explode under his heart
so it wouldn’t last long
was about to walk away
when this chicken paddles out to him
and as he was falling hops on his neck
digs the beak into his throat
straightens legs and heaves
a red and blue vein out

Meanwhile he fell
and the chicken walked away

still tugging at the vein
till it was 12 yards long
as if it held that body like a kite
Gregory’s last words being

get away from me yer stupid chicken

I am kind of depressed now because I just realized that none of these things that I have shared with you I share with my co-workers after more than 5 years working together, in a very small office space.  Because I don’t think they are interested in hearing about it.

Without further ado, I am going to pass this award along to….   Drum roll please…

Tomatoes on the Vine

Velva’s food/cooking blog is more than that.  She genuinely believes in the simple ritual of sharing a meal as the way we create and maintain a community.  Besides, it is always yummy to look at the photos.

booshy

On her blog, Jessica comes up with ideas.  Lots and lots of ideas.  I honestly cannot tell you what her blog is about.  But I enjoy reading her ramblings.  They make me smile.  Her latest “scheme” is to get everybody to come up with a “I am thankful for” list and send it to her before November 24.  So why not?!

Life is Not a Movie

I think Robin is a bit insane.  I said that with affection and as a compliment.  She is a woman of many talents: a radio show, a photography blog, and who knows what else.  Warning: She is an avid Kevin Spacey fan.  So don’t say anything bad about Kevin. Or introduce yourself as Mrs. Spacey.  I never know what to expect when I click on her blog every day.  But it is always a nice surprise.

My Wildlife’s Words

Jennifer Lynn is a wildlife biologist. Seriously, I’d never thought I would meet someone in that line of business.  She is saving the earth for all of us!  And her observations of life are full of interesting perspectives that will make you go, How come I’ve never thought of it that way?  (Well, you would have if you were a wildlife biologist.  And if you are, do let me know!  I’d never thought I would meet TWO!)  She is probably going to protest and say, “I don’t write about THAT topic on a regular basis.  It was an one-off special edition. Limited time only.”  But her post on Elk Vagina, yup, you read that correctly, is educational and hilarious.

Where Insulin Meets Insolence

Lynn is a great writer.  She has a great way with words.  And metaphors.  (Well, duh, all great writers are good at these things.  This is why I am not a good writer).  This post is one of my all-time favorites: Four on the Floor.  I think she should publish some of her essays.  They are that good.  This is her personal blog where she can be, well, “insolent”.  Her essays are over at “I have measured out my lives in MP3s”.

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