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funny haha

If you have mastered one-hand typing.

If you have mastered doing household chores with only one hand.

If you have managed to teach yourself to use the non-dominant hand because your dominant hand is now dominated by a baby that prefers your arm more than anything else.

If you curse at the mailman for dropping the yellow pages ’cause the sound of it wakes the sleeping baby who you have managed to coax into a nap after hours of walking up and down the hallway.

If you have figured out which part of the floor outside of the baby’s room squeaks and so you try to remember in your sleep-deprived state to not step on that part while you stealthily back away after putting the baby down in the crib.

If the quality of your day is dictated by the quality of naptime.

If you have ever felt the rage towards your husband or your older children for sneezing at the wrong moment right when the baby fell asleep.

If you remember the good old days when the above rang true.

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I thought you’d get a chuckle out of this comic. In between tears maybe. But chuckles most definitely.

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You may not believe it, but this too shall pass...

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The following is a collection of jokes emailed to me by more than one of my girlfriends. It warms my heart whenever I see these jokes spread like wild fires: I know, I am not alone. And it comforts me. It gives me strength to ignore the gloating from the bitches who claim that their husbands help around the house on a regular basis. Sometimes, they even IRON! If you are one of those lucky bitches gals, good for you. Now go watch your husband iron. For the rest of us, I share with you the jokes that elicit both laughter and tears within me, because of the grain of truth.

The Why’s of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

because they are plugged into a genius.

2. WHY DON’T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

because they don’t have enough time.

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

because they don’t stop to ask directions.

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock.

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

because you need a rough draft before you make a final copy.

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

don’t know…..it never happened.

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

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One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.  Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,

“What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma…”

_____________________________________
A couple are lying in bed…

The man says,

“I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”

The woman replies,

“I’ll miss you…”

_____________________________________

“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”

“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.

_____________________________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manual.’

_____________________________________

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.
AMEN.

p.s. I guess I am a sexist. The reverse sexist.

p.p.s. Since I came out and “ownded” it, I therefore get a free pass, right?! I LOVE being a bitch!

p.p.s. I can’t help it, I have to sneak this in: Do you think it is possible to be a reverse sexist? That jokes like this are sexist? That jokes like these incite violence against men? (Ok, ok. Elin Nordegren beat Tiger Woods because he was snacking. A lot. From a multitude of takeout restaurants…) You know, that it is legitimate for a man to complain that he fails to get a job, a promotion, college admission because the slot was given to a woman?  That because something like that may have happened to him, or a friend’s friend, it is a proof that reverse sexism exists institutionally? I wonder how much someone’s thoughts on / feelings about this are aligned with his/hers for reverse racism?

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… even more so now that Smart Phones are becoming ubiquitous. For the better… or for the worst?

To a certain extent it has changed WHEN and WHERE we take pictures. The way we interpret the world. The way we caption the things we see. Now every snap shot that comes through my daily life deserves demands a caption of its own. A running commentary, subtitle of some sort.

Got to go?

Got to go?



Need a job?

Need a job?



Bookstores are fun!

Bookstores are fun!



"Mom, that's you!" "Awww. You guys..."

"Mom, that's you!" "Awww. You guys..."



Sarah Palin's new movie?

Sarah Palin's new movie?

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When in doubt, complain about your spouse…

November 28, 2009 random

Tweet I have nothing. Tis 3 am 4 am on Sunday morning, I am supposed to have published a post on Saturday to meet the NaBloMoFo objective: Guess. One post every day. I have only three more posts to go. For someone who has not filled out a journal past page 10 since, eh, ever, […]

22 comments

How pumpkin pies are made…

November 26, 2009 a picture is worth a thousand words

Tweet Happy Thanksgiving! Well, yeah, you have to click on this thing below that says “click to continue…” to find out how pumpkin pies are made… Ready? Ok. Are you sure you want to know? Ok. Fine. Don’t say I didn’t warn you… You are welcome. * This is one of those “Internet Memes” that […]

8 comments

Happy Thanksgiving to all! Except, well, the bird…

November 23, 2009 a picture is worth a thousand words

Tweet But wait. There is more! Thanks to Elly over at BugginWord for alerting me to this wonderful, modern rendition of Thanksgiving. Elly has much to thank for: she beat cancer! Now let’s all go over and say: Happy first year in remission, Elly!

14 comments

Social Networking

November 17, 2009 mark my word: twitter will doom us all

Tweet A dear friend of mine passed this comment on Social Networking along to me from none other than the always brilliant Non Sequitur cartoon. She received it from her doting partner whose eyes could not have rolled any further when my friend and I were comparing our notes on using Twitter… I found myself […]

20 comments

“The Saddest Kid In The Class”

November 14, 2009 a picture is worth a thousand words

Tweet I saw this photo essay on Huffington Post, and it resonated with me somehow. (Actually, not surprisingly…) The kid’s name is Alex.  A-L-E-X. I hope s/he is doing ok. I hope the smiley face means this was all done tongue in cheek. Perhaps it is a clever maneuver, a sarcastic comment on, a protest against […]

11 comments

“Wisconsin Tourism Federation changes name to avoid acronym” ’nuff said…

October 1, 2009 random

Tweet “The folks at the Wisconsin Tourism Federation, a 30-year-old tourism lobbying coalition based in Sun Prairie, couldn’t possibly have predicted how the Internet would change the lingo. While its abbreviation, WTF, was fairly innocuous a few decades ago, it means something entirely different these days…” News article here. Apparently the alarm was first sounded […]

5 comments

How come others got a long letter from a Nigeria princess and I, this?

September 15, 2009 a picture is worth a thousand words

Tweet MY spammer / con-man is NOT even trying…

2 comments