Like Confucius, but in English
I thought I’d start writing down real-life bits of wisdom for your benefits. I am totally qualified to impart wisdom to strangers on the Interweb because I am naturally wise and Zen just from being Chinese. It is in my blood, damn it!
This will be a growing list because
I love you. I am wise. I am facetious. And Zen. Srly don’t forget about Zen.
Things I said to my kids…
“Don’t do a half-ass job”
“I am not your best friend. I will love you. Respect you. Listen to you. Worry about you. Be there for you. But I don’t want to be your best friend. Because when you do something wrong, I need to discipline and punish you. I am your parent.”
“Don’t tell me how difficult your brother is. Don’t you think I know that?”
“Don’t tell me I can’t be on the Internet because I told you to get off the Internet. I am not in school any more. You are!”
*Exasperation* “For god’s sake! … Ok. You are not supposed to do that. You know the Ten Commandments right? I didn’t mean your god. I meant mine. So it is ok!”
“Mom, you look silly in that hat!” “Well, then I have done my job as a parent.”
“Books? You are not allowed to read books today! It’s too nice a day to be wasting on books!”
“Mom, what’s your password?” “I can’t tell you.” “Come on, mom.” “I said I can’t tell you!” “I need to use your phone!” “FINE! It’s ‘Curse Word Curse Word Curse Word’…” “No. Way.” “Way. Why do you think that your mother does not curse?” “Hmmm. Because you are a… mom?”
(On IM with my oldest) “Mom, I just changed your name on GTalk from XXX to MOM.” “Ok. Because I am not me, I don’t have a name. I am just your mom.” “…” “I changed your name to Number 1 Son.” “I’ll take that as a compliment.”
“Well, maybe you should have thought about THAT before you did so well in the Spelling Bee!” Response to my 6th grader when he complained about having to compete in the School District Spelling Bee.
“When in doubt, evoke the Golden Rule.”
“Your opinion though interesting is irrelevant.”
“Don’t say dumb things on purpose to provide content for my blog, I have enough already. Thanks!”
“Seriously. What do you expect me to say to that? ‘Atta boy!’?!” Response to my 6th grader when he proudly announced how cool it was to ride his bike downhill with no hands. He actually said, “Mom! I’m telling you. NO HANDS!”
“We are not equals. I also gave birth to two children. Would you like to do that too?” Response to my 6th grader’s protest when I asked him to leave the computer, “How come you get to be on your computer?”
Things that make sense if you don’t think about it…
Husb: “Do you think you are a MILF?” Me: “I believe I am disqualified when my own husband does not nominate me.”
Lowered expectations make a more optimistic person. Or rather, the pessimists are in fact the most optimistic amongst us.
I expect the world sucks, and when it does not, I am always pleasantly surprised. Same as people.
Midlife crisis: Others bought cars. I started a blog.
Turns out my youngest child is sometimes most of the time wiser than I am… I shall dub him Mr. Monk:
“When I turn 21, would you buy me a beer? Like, my first beer, ok?… Wait. Ok. I’d better remind you again 12 years from now.” 0310
“You know what’s ironic about the Karate Kid movie?” He was referring to the 2010 edition with Jackie Chan and Jaden Smith. “He is learning Karate in CHINA?!” 0210
As an update to the lovely Valentine’s Day card he made us, Mr. Monk elaborated, “I could also say ‘No matter how unattractive you are, I still love you.'” I have a truth seeker on my hand. 0210
After my veiled-snide response “Well, I wish I were Queen of the Universe but I can’t” to his “I really wish I could…” passive-aggressive attempt (atta boy! Take after your mother!), Mr Monk said, “Queen of the Universe? I don’t want you to be Queen of the Universe. Then you’d be too busy taking care of the universe!” 0110
“This is my revolution: doing the dishes will be my job from now on! … (While doing the dishes) Ah. It is nice to have a revolution!” 0110
“Pray for what you want. Work for what you need.” That’s what my fortune cookie said. 1209
The worst part about being an adult is having to deal with us children, Mr. Monk said matter-of-fact-ly. 1109
Coffee makes grown-ups better.