Holiday cheer continues… “The Why’s of Men”

December 10, 2009

in no manual for parenting

The following is a collection of jokes emailed to me by more than one of my girlfriends. It warms my heart whenever I see these jokes spread like wild fires: I know, I am not alone. And it comforts me. It gives me strength to ignore the gloating from the bitches who claim that their husbands help around the house on a regular basis. Sometimes, they even IRON! If you are one of those lucky bitches gals, good for you. Now go watch your husband iron. For the rest of us, I share with you the jokes that elicit both laughter and tears within me, because of the grain of truth.

The Why’s of Men

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

because they are plugged into a genius.

2. WHY DON’T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

because they don’t have enough time.

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

because they don’t stop to ask directions.

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock.

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

because you need a rough draft before you make a final copy.

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

don’t know…..it never happened.

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.

_____________________________________

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.  Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,

“What setting do I use on the washing machine?”

“It depends,” I replied. “What does it say on your shirt?”

He yelled back, “University of Oklahoma…”

_____________________________________
A couple are lying in bed…

The man says,

“I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.”

The woman replies,

“I’ll miss you…”

_____________________________________

“It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, “honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?”

“Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.

_____________________________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manual.’

_____________________________________

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death.
AMEN.

p.s. I guess I am a sexist. The reverse sexist.

p.p.s. Since I came out and “ownded” it, I therefore get a free pass, right?! I LOVE being a bitch!

p.p.s. I can’t help it, I have to sneak this in: Do you think it is possible to be a reverse sexist? That jokes like this are sexist? That jokes like these incite violence against men? (Ok, ok. Elin Nordegren beat Tiger Woods because he was snacking. A lot. From a multitude of takeout restaurants…) You know, that it is legitimate for a man to complain that he fails to get a job, a promotion, college admission because the slot was given to a woman?  That because something like that may have happened to him, or a friend’s friend, it is a proof that reverse sexism exists institutionally? I wonder how much someone’s thoughts on / feelings about this are aligned with his/hers for reverse racism?

{ 14 comments }

Elly Lou December 10, 2009 at 10:37 am

Wow. You totally shartled me switching from light and fluffy to serious and profound all lickety-split like that. Damn, give a girl some warning. I have “something” to take care of before I can even come up with a good answer…
.-= Elly Lou´s last blog…First Twitter, Now Me =-.

Absence Alternatives December 12, 2009 at 6:38 pm

Sorry, m’lady for shartling you. LOL. “Shartle” Still loving that word. You should TM it or something. Do you want to send me the dry cleaner bill? 😉

Robin December 10, 2009 at 11:53 am

Men are funny. heh.
.-= Robin´s last blog…10 Best Movies of the Decade =-.

mepsipax December 10, 2009 at 12:41 pm

You sexist. I will never read this blog again (today). I am offended (but laughing). I can’t stand the sight of you (good thing it is the internet).

Luv ,
Dick
.-= mepsipax´s last blog…Calling upon Beelzebub =-.

Absence Alternatives December 12, 2009 at 6:40 pm

We just need to blow our steam off once in a while, otherwise the court system would be overwhelmed with domestic homicide cases…

Jessica December 10, 2009 at 1:09 pm

I love it how they (the men) get frustrated all, “WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?!?”

And they’ll never understand. It’s because of YOU.

Jen @ NathanRising December 10, 2009 at 4:24 pm

Your blog is mean, how can you pick on men like this? (I know, it’s so easy, right?) Poor, helpless men… All alone in the world with no one to understand them. Now they’re gonna have to watch their backs because these jokes will now make some lunatic woman with frazzled hair start clobbering these hapless men with blunt objects when they are alone and unawares. HA, yeah right! If you are a reverse sexist, then that means that almost all women are! 😛 Thanks for the laugh!!!
-Jen
.-= Jen @ NathanRising´s last blog…OCD Malfunction… Part 2 =-.

Absence Alternatives December 12, 2009 at 6:41 pm

You are very welcome. 😉

Jane December 10, 2009 at 5:37 pm

I’m with Jen – we’re all laughing here so you’re not alone! Vapor locked? I snorted my drink on that one!
.-= Jane´s last blog…A Very Merry Unbirthday To YOU! =-.

Absence Alternatives December 12, 2009 at 6:42 pm

I know. That phrase provides such a strong visual image it is kind of icky at the same time it is hilarious. LOL.

Unknown Mami December 11, 2009 at 9:40 pm

Sexy, what’s wrong with sexy?

Oh, sexist…my bad.
.-= Unknown Mami´s last blog…Fragmented Fridays =-.

Absence Alternatives December 12, 2009 at 6:42 pm

LOL.

Velva December 13, 2009 at 9:35 am

LMAO! I just stopped laughing from the warning signs post. Now, you have me laughing all over again.
.-= Velva´s last blog…Carrot-Mushroom Barley Stew =-.

Randa December 14, 2009 at 6:08 pm

Oh man those were hilarious! I will be a reverse sexist with you! I would type more but my fingers are frozen. It’s cold here.
.-= Randa´s last blog…Saturday Night Live =-.

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