When in doubt, complain about your spouse…

November 28, 2009

in random

I have nothing.

Tis 3 am 4 am on Sunday morning, I am supposed to have published a post on Saturday to meet the NaBloMoFo objective: Guess. One post every day. I have only three more posts to go. For someone who has not filled out a journal past page 10 since, eh, ever, I am actually quite proud of myself for having come this far. Yet, I have nothing. Is it possible to have Writer’s Block when you are technically not a writer? How bad you ask? So bad that I am humming this in my head …



Now THAT is bad, huh. You believe me now?

This brings me to present you with yet another filler post called…

Things My Husband Said that But for the Mercy of god My Children Didn’t Become Orphans with One Parent in Jail…

Scene 1

I suffer from severe morning [sic] sickness. So severe that as soon as I started heaving, I knew I was pregnant with Mr. Monk even before I peed on a stick, that I lost 10 lbs. in the first two weeks in my first pregnancy and almost 20 lbs., in my second pregnancy, that I practically lived by the toilet throughout the entire pregnancy, that I did not stop involuntary vomiting till Mr. Monk was born, that I felt I was starved for nine months and made the mistake of making it up by gaining weight after the pregnancy when clearly I should have done it the other way around…

This is not about how my husband took it upon himself to name the toilet The Porcelain Throne, as in “She is worshiping the Porcelain Throne again.”

On our way back from a routine checkup, after the doctor reassured me that my rapid weight loss during the first trimester was not endangering the baby especially since it happened the exact same way with my first born, my husband claimed that he had a theory about WHY I AM PUKING MY GUTS OUT, and also about WHY I AM HAVING IT TOUGHER THE SECOND TIME AROUND.

“Oh, really?” I was curious. With sincerity.

“How much did you weigh when we first met?”

“Hmm. 155 lbs. I think.”

“So when you were pregnant with [the oldest], you were like what? 165 maybe?”

“Yes…” I don’t care who you are or what kind of solid-fortress relationship you have got going there. Nothing good is going to come out of a pontification on a woman’s weight by her husband. Nothing.

He got really excited now. “You see. You lost about 10 lbs. in two weeks right? So you quickly got down to your ideal weight.”

“Ok…” Again. Nothing good is going to come out of the said husband mentioning the word ideal weight. Nothing.

“You were a lot heavier before you were pregnant this time, right?… [Mulling it over] You were like 180 lbs. no?”

Oh. For the love of god. Please see my comment above.

Taking a deep breath, I corrected him, “No. I was like 172. TOP!”

“Well, but you WERE heavier.” He got more excited because he could see his theory was going to be proven. Soon.

“Fine.” Heh heh. We all know what THAT means.

“So you see, this is the NATURE’s way to get you down to your ideal weight as soon as possible, again.”

He didn’t say it, but I could hear the “Ta da!” in his voice. Unfortunately, he was NOT joking. This was for him a scientific theory. Or, at least, A theory. I could SEE the words forming in 3-D gigantic block letters. With Jazz hands.

TA-DA!

“So… are you saying that I am throwing up because I am FAT? I am FATTER so I throw up MORE?”

In case you are wondering, NO, I did not murder him right then and there. No, I did not divorce him either.

My apology to all the foremothers before me that have fought for our liberation. My apology also for the fact that there is not going to be a SCENE 2. I thought there was going to be but I ran out of steam. I am now all indignant all over again. And as you know, indignation drains your energy faster than an amorous vampire bite.

As a consolation prize, here is a short vignette of Things My Husband Said… in case you haven’t got enough of this Tomfoolery Jackassery:

“What does NaBloPoMo mean?”

“It means National Blog Posting Month.”

“Huh?”

“*sigh* It means I have to write a post on my blog every single day for the month of November.”

“Do you know, *cough*, that December is NaBloJoMo?”

Nice try.

No dice.

{ 22 comments }

Merrilymarylee November 29, 2009 at 7:50 am

Now THAT’S intimacy! My husband has no idea how much I weigh. I was having surgery once and the anesthesiologist came in to talk to me as I lay there. Husband was sitting nearby. Dr. asked how much I weighed. I told him he’d have to look it up on my chart or send husband out of the room. I’m dealing with a man who can still wear clothes he bought 30 years ago. (Why anyone would WANT to wear a 30-year-old jacket is another story.)
Anyway, Happy NaBloPoMo, Girlfriend. Keep chugging. They’re ALL good!
.-= Merrilymarylee´s last blog…Seriously! About This Movie! =-.

Absence Alternatives November 30, 2009 at 10:49 pm

I knew I was doing something wrong… *sigh* Thank you for the support throughout this blasted NaBloMoFo month…

Sharon November 29, 2009 at 8:14 am

Dude’s lucky to be alive.
.-= Sharon´s last blog…Another epic shopping fail? =-.

Absence Alternatives November 30, 2009 at 10:50 pm

Don’t worry. I say the same thing to him often and he actually agrees. Go figure.

TheKitchenWitch November 29, 2009 at 8:23 am

NaBloJoMo??? I am hysterically laughing over here. He’s a jackass, but he’s a witty jackass.

Tell him that if he brings up your weight ever again, it will be BloJoNoMo…:)
.-= TheKitchenWitch´s last blog…Obstacles =-.

Absence Alternatives November 30, 2009 at 10:51 pm

LOL. GOLD!!

Elly Lou November 29, 2009 at 10:58 am

I was so riled up in your defense, I just yelled at my husband for asking where I put his shoes. You’re welcome.
.-= Elly Lou´s last blog…Reflections =-.

Absence Alternatives November 30, 2009 at 10:51 pm

Thank you! (Apology to your husb for the collateral damage…)

Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com November 29, 2009 at 12:13 pm

So maybe you shouldn’t tell him that March 14 is National Steak and BloJo Day? It’s the male version of Valentines day.

Hope you are feeling better!
.-= Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com´s last blog…Why Oh Why? =-.

Absence Alternatives November 30, 2009 at 10:52 pm

Seriously? No way. Hallmark holiday? I am giggling thinking about all the Hallmark cards they could create for this holiday. Maybe we should host a contest!!!

(Thanks. I am. :-) )

A Vapid Blonde November 29, 2009 at 3:39 pm

Don’t tell my husband about next month….I still have a cough from when I was sick and it makes the whole NaBloJoMo thing kind of hard…(heh, I just said hard)
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog…Observing Superstitions: Salt…The Zombie Ghost Cure =-.

Absence Alternatives November 30, 2009 at 10:53 pm

Hey, indeed you did! 😉

pixielation November 29, 2009 at 5:02 pm

yep, my husband has no idea what I weight either. I speak in kilograms and he speaks in stones, so it’s like we need an interpretor anyway.

I’d be hitting mine for that though!
.-= pixielation´s last blog…Leaving, on a jet plane. Hope the food is better than last time. =-.

Absence Alternatives November 30, 2009 at 10:55 pm

Someone needs to come up with an electronic translator for that. 😉

Velva November 29, 2009 at 5:47 pm

Okay, can I stop laughing. This was so damn funny. Does it make you feel better to know that all “men” should say “husbands” are created equally?

November is almost over! One more post and you did it!!!!!
.-= Velva´s last blog…Pomegranate Rosemary Royale =-.

Absence Alternatives November 30, 2009 at 10:57 pm

You can stop laughing now. Just come back soon to laugh at my other jokes. I appreciate your being my shill in the audience. 😉

Jen @ NathanRising November 29, 2009 at 10:13 pm

I know what it feels like to have writer’s block! I can’t even begin to tell you how difficult it is sometimes to come up with topics to write about. Sometimes it seems like I’m grasping at straws… then I’ll start writing and everything usually turns out ok. For the most part. Oh, and the NaBloJoMo was hilarious!! Your husband is a very clever man… maybe too clever!!! Ha ha!
-Jen
.-= Jen @ NathanRising´s last blog…Baby Kisses =-.

Absence Alternatives November 30, 2009 at 10:58 pm

I am sure by now you have noticed that I have mental/verbal diarrhea… LOL.

Jane November 30, 2009 at 4:05 pm

I’m always learning something new here! NaBloJoMo? I had to read the comments to get it. And I’m not even blonde!
.-= Jane´s last blog…A World Where Skin Color Is Of No Consequence =-.

Absence Alternatives November 30, 2009 at 11:08 pm

I am absolutely a bad influence. So a quiz: what does 420 mean? Do you still remember it? LOL.

Falling November 30, 2009 at 8:22 pm

Sigh. Boys.

While I have been lucky enough to fit into my old clothes after having a baby, I am…differently shaped than I was before I got pregnant. Specifically, I lost my ass. And not in a good way. I was lamenting this to my husband, who said, “Well, it’s still there…it just spread to the sides.”

Sigh. Boys.
.-= Falling´s last blog…REVEALED! Part 1 =-.

Absence Alternatives November 30, 2009 at 11:12 pm

You are going to kill me. BUT methinks your husb deserved a http://instantrimshot.com/ for that comeback. BUT, after you whack him with wet pasta of course.

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