Step 1. I went to Walmart for my Bacon-Flavored Vodka Experiment…

August 30, 2009

in random

To recap, I decided to follow the recipe for Bacon-flavored vodka

Why? Because I love Bacon. And I love Vodka. So it seems like a no-brainer

I went to Walmart to gather my supply. Why Walmart when we know they are evil? Because Walmart was the only place where I recall for having ever seen mason jars being sold.  I was lucky I even knew what mason jars are considering how I am basically illiterate in the cooking & food prep jargon department.  I didn’t even know what Blanch means until recently.

Hint: It is not the name of Vivien Leigh’s character in A Streetcar Named DesireSeriously.

Besides,  ever since I knew the existence of peopleofwalmart.com, I couldn’t wait to go back and see for myself.

Eh. Yeah. Way too many people wearing Zubaz pants still. I didn’t take any photos though. It is actually kind of difficult to do that surreptitiously! So my hat’s off to all the brave souls who have submitted photos to People of Walmart. I was worried that I might get punched by the woman with wiry blond hair that looked like she just touched a plasma globe to dare.

Also, knowing that this website exists makes me extremely self-conscious at Walmart.

Is it just me?  I mean, I am absolutely paranoid now. I actually dressed up to go to fucking Walmart! I made sure I wear my control-top so my tummy didn’t flop out.  I even put on full make-up so I didn’t look like someone who’s on meth. I also combed my hair.

But the friggin’ kids did not cooperate at all.  Within 10 minutes after we got into the store, I was hissing loudly:

“Stop touching your brother with the umbrella or I will stick it in your…”

“I don’t care if he is friggin’ sitting on YOUR pizza rolls.  They are frozen! They are hard like rocks!”

“What do you mean you won’t eat them? Listen here, buddy.  If I buy them for you, you are going to eat them, you hear me? Otherwise I am going to rip you a new one…”

“I don’t friggin’ care if he’s putting the shrimps on top of his feet.  You don’t even eat shrimps. What do you care?”

“OK.  Both of you.  Stop doing that! You are going to get IT when we get home!”

(No. I don’t know what IT is. I never do.)

The best part is?  When we finally got out of the store, I looked at the dusty passenger window of a monster truck and saw myself all disheveled.  So much for combing my hair.  I also had the look of someone who was willing and ready to commit manslaughter.  I won’t be surprised if we get on People of Walmart, or even YouTube.

The shopping part was not really a success either – I was able to only cross two items off of my list:

  1. Cheap vodka
  2. Bacon
  3. Mason jar
  4. Tarp
  5. Waders
  6. Safety goggles

This Walmart seemed to have recently revamped itself to focus on the frozen food section.  It does not seem to carry items that a manly man will need on a daily basis, such as tarp, fishing waders, and safety goggles.  So I was rather disappointed.  Truth be told, I was rather happy to save the money: I just could NOT go with the Number 1 item on my list: Cheap Vodka…

What if the experiment turns out to be a failure because I use CHEAP vodka? Huh?

I kept on asking myself this ever since I read the recipe.  So here is what I got from Walmart for the Bacon-flavored Vodka experiment:

Mason jars & bason

I was pissed I had to get 12 mason jars at once.  TWELVE!  So you all can now expect to get pickled plum from me for Christmas…

Ok, not really.  I guess if the first batch turns out to be a success, I will be glad that I have extras lying around the house.

I wonder whether the teachers will be happy to receive home-made Bacon-flavored vodka this Christmas instead of Bath and Body Works lotions?

p.s. I am not sure whether you can see the gigantic mixing batter bowl with lid on the side of the picture? Anyway, that was a total impulse buy. The idea of having a mixing bowl with a lid so you can have home-made pancakes on demand appealed to me at the moment when I saw it.  But after I got home and opened the fridge I saw this:

sprayed on pancake batter

WTF? Oh. I’d completely forgot I had gotten this the other day!  I also remembered how I had made the kids pancakes “from scratch” by mixing Hungry Jack with water and they had both refused to eat them and I had vowed to never make them anything “from scratch” again…

But I felt better when I found an immediate use for the new mixing bowl that will probably never experience the sensation of batter lolling around inside it…

What do you mean I need to wash the mason jars first?

Yeah…  Apparently you need to wash and dry the mason jars in “hot soapy water” before you can use them.  WTF?

First of all, I am going to add vodka to it. It looks like water.  So I am not even going to bother with drying them.

And can I just please ask this question that’s been bothering me for a long time…

Why do the instructions always demand “HOT” water?

Seriously.

How hot does the water have to get to be able to kill the germs? Won’t that water melt your hands together? If the “hot water” is for killing the germs, then why can’t we use “just water”? What is the point?!

Don’t get too excited because I washed three of the dozen mason jars.  I had started out being quite ambitious.  But later reason kicked in: I realized that one of these suckers is going to take almost HALF bottle of my GOOD Vodka.

I mean, really good Vodka.

Stay tuned.

{ 3 trackbacks }

In honor of International Bacon Day: Bacon Flavored Lip Balm! | The Absence of Alternatives
September 13, 2009 at 2:45 pm
12 Steps to the Bacon Vodka Experiment | The Absence of Alternatives
September 21, 2009 at 1:44 pm
What bacons look like after you soaked them in Vodka for 4 weeks… | The Absence of Alternatives
September 27, 2009 at 8:27 pm

{ 2 comments }

Lynne September 3, 2009 at 6:22 am

Jenny wrote this for you, didn’t she? Admit it. Come on. Tell the truth.

Absence Alternatives September 3, 2009 at 4:14 pm

@ Lynne
Wow. I was distracted the entire day because I can’t be sure whether this is a compliment: Did my post make you laugh until you almost died the way The Bloggess’ posts do to us every day? Or whether somehow I unconsciously copied her style because I seek her blog out every day and read it religiously. Let it be a lesson to all the bloggers out there: Watch out! You may be assimilated without even trying to!

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