From the monthly archives:

August 2009

After weeks of toiling, virtually, on his own farm, i.e. the infamous Facebook application Farm Town where many a woman allegedly have lost their husbands or vice versa, Mr. Monk my 6 year old finally made enough money, all 70,000 coins (which are worth $50 in real life currency), to purchase his own farm house, Small House.

Farm House

“It’s the best day of my life!  In Farm Town!”

He exclaimed, while doing a Gene-Kelly-Singing-In-The-Rain-esque gig.

Oh, the small things in life!

(Eh, I just realized that the real “Farm House”, which looks more like a mansion, costs 300,000 coins. Yeah, like that’s going to happen…  I’d have gotten carpel tunnel for helping him reach that goal…)

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To recap, I decided to follow the recipe for Bacon-flavored vodka

Why? Because I love Bacon. And I love Vodka. So it seems like a no-brainer

I went to Walmart to gather my supply. Why Walmart when we know they are evil? Because Walmart was the only place where I recall for having ever seen mason jars being sold.  I was lucky I even knew what mason jars are considering how I am basically illiterate in the cooking & food prep jargon department.  I didn’t even know what Blanch means until recently.

Hint: It is not the name of Vivien Leigh’s character in A Streetcar Named DesireSeriously.

Besides,  ever since I knew the existence of peopleofwalmart.com, I couldn’t wait to go back and see for myself.

Eh. Yeah. Way too many people wearing Zubaz pants still. I didn’t take any photos though. It is actually kind of difficult to do that surreptitiously! So my hat’s off to all the brave souls who have submitted photos to People of Walmart. I was worried that I might get punched by the woman with wiry blond hair that looked like she just touched a plasma globe to dare.

Also, knowing that this website exists makes me extremely self-conscious at Walmart.

Is it just me?  I mean, I am absolutely paranoid now. I actually dressed up to go to fucking Walmart! I made sure I wear my control-top so my tummy didn’t flop out.  I even put on full make-up so I didn’t look like someone who’s on meth. I also combed my hair.

But the friggin’ kids did not cooperate at all.  Within 10 minutes after we got into the store, I was hissing loudly:

“Stop touching your brother with the umbrella or I will stick it in your…”

“I don’t care if he is friggin’ sitting on YOUR pizza rolls.  They are frozen! They are hard like rocks!”

“What do you mean you won’t eat them? Listen here, buddy.  If I buy them for you, you are going to eat them, you hear me? Otherwise I am going to rip you a new one…”

“I don’t friggin’ care if he’s putting the shrimps on top of his feet.  You don’t even eat shrimps. What do you care?”

“OK.  Both of you.  Stop doing that! You are going to get IT when we get home!”

(No. I don’t know what IT is. I never do.)

The best part is?  When we finally got out of the store, I looked at the dusty passenger window of a monster truck and saw myself all disheveled.  So much for combing my hair.  I also had the look of someone who was willing and ready to commit manslaughter.  I won’t be surprised if we get on People of Walmart, or even YouTube.

The shopping part was not really a success either – I was able to only cross two items off of my list:

  1. Cheap vodka
  2. Bacon
  3. Mason jar
  4. Tarp
  5. Waders
  6. Safety goggles

This Walmart seemed to have recently revamped itself to focus on the frozen food section.  It does not seem to carry items that a manly man will need on a daily basis, such as tarp, fishing waders, and safety goggles.  So I was rather disappointed.  Truth be told, I was rather happy to save the money: I just could NOT go with the Number 1 item on my list: Cheap Vodka…

What if the experiment turns out to be a failure because I use CHEAP vodka? Huh?

I kept on asking myself this ever since I read the recipe.  So here is what I got from Walmart for the Bacon-flavored Vodka experiment:

Mason jars & bason

I was pissed I had to get 12 mason jars at once.  TWELVE!  So you all can now expect to get pickled plum from me for Christmas…

Ok, not really.  I guess if the first batch turns out to be a success, I will be glad that I have extras lying around the house.

I wonder whether the teachers will be happy to receive home-made Bacon-flavored vodka this Christmas instead of Bath and Body Works lotions?

p.s. I am not sure whether you can see the gigantic mixing batter bowl with lid on the side of the picture? Anyway, that was a total impulse buy. The idea of having a mixing bowl with a lid so you can have home-made pancakes on demand appealed to me at the moment when I saw it.  But after I got home and opened the fridge I saw this:

sprayed on pancake batter

WTF? Oh. I’d completely forgot I had gotten this the other day!  I also remembered how I had made the kids pancakes “from scratch” by mixing Hungry Jack with water and they had both refused to eat them and I had vowed to never make them anything “from scratch” again…

But I felt better when I found an immediate use for the new mixing bowl that will probably never experience the sensation of batter lolling around inside it…

What do you mean I need to wash the mason jars first?

Yeah…  Apparently you need to wash and dry the mason jars in “hot soapy water” before you can use them.  WTF?

First of all, I am going to add vodka to it. It looks like water.  So I am not even going to bother with drying them.

And can I just please ask this question that’s been bothering me for a long time…

Why do the instructions always demand “HOT” water?

Seriously.

How hot does the water have to get to be able to kill the germs? Won’t that water melt your hands together? If the “hot water” is for killing the germs, then why can’t we use “just water”? What is the point?!

Don’t get too excited because I washed three of the dozen mason jars.  I had started out being quite ambitious.  But later reason kicked in: I realized that one of these suckers is going to take almost HALF bottle of my GOOD Vodka.

I mean, really good Vodka.

Stay tuned.

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Apparently Pork-flavored Vodka is gaining some traction now in the Northeast, originated from Seattle, more specifically, the Seattle-based Black Rock Spirits.  According to this online article, Bacon-Flavored Vodka: What’s Next? Eggs Bourbon? , BAKON, the vodka with an oink in it, is getting some dedicated followers because people just love bacon.

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Thanks to the same article, a recipe for a home-made concoction to spice up your Vodka and martini with bacon is also available:

“Add cooked bacon to a clean pint sized mason jar. Trim the ends of the bacon if they are too tall to fit. Or you can just throw in a bunch of fried up bacon scraps. Crushed black peppercorns can be added for a real zing, but check your zinger scale of tolerance first.

Fill the jar up with vodka. Cap and place in a dark cupboard for at least three weeks. Then place the bacon vodka in the freezer to solidify the fats. Contact local authorities to be on hand before opening and then strain out the fats through a coffee filter. The yield should be clear, pale yellow bacon vodka. (If it is any other color, check with health officials.) Decant into decorative bottles and enjoy.”

I am PUMPED!  I think I owe it to myself to experiment on this.  Here is my shopping list (which of course I tweeted, that’s what Twitter is for, no?):

  1. Cheap vodka
  2. Bacon
  3. Mason jar
  4. Tarp
  5. Waders
  6. Safety goggles

A very funny @Andjelija suggested that I check out prices for my  supplies at Walmart, and take pictures while I am at it.

I will blog my experiment, so stay tuned…

*pouring Vodka*

Here’s to a successful experiment!

And to me not getting punched while taking pictures of people at Walmart!

And also to no pictures of me getting submitted to peopleofwalmart.com!

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Maybe, just maybe, The People of Walmart has something to teach us?

August 30, 2009 a picture is worth a thousand words

Tweet Scene 1: There is this new website, People of Walmart, that’s gaining the buzz.  (Heck, even The Bloggess mentioned them as “shit-I-didn’t-write-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome” for this week…) (Note: Time.com also wrote about it on August 31, 2009, the day after this post was originally published.) Here is one of the most excellent specimen, in all its […]

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Do you know who started the famous Bobbed haircut?

August 30, 2009 a picture is worth a thousand words

Tweet Louise Brooks, aka Frank Wedekind’s “Lulu”, 1929. Nobody, I mean, nobody, does it better… I have had the same postcard on my bookshelf since college.  I included it as one of the images for a self-portrait collage that I put together…  Now come to think of it, I started having identity crisis since that […]

Marlene Dietrich & Anna May Wong in “Shanghai Express”

August 30, 2009 a picture is worth a thousand words

Tweet So now I am completely obsessed with Anna May Wong. I wanted to find and read everything about her… then I found this: Shanghai Express This is fucking Marlene Dietrich we are talking about here…  Marlene Dietrich looks like this: (Ignore the cigarettes. They didn’t know better back then…) Yeah.  I get the irony […]

“We will not become what we mean to you”

August 29, 2009 a picture is worth a thousand words

Tweet This is yet another picture I took of the art works that resonated with me when we went through the new Modern Wing at the Art Institute of Chicago. “We will not become what we mean to you.” I think about that sentence often ever since… “I’m interested in how identities are constructed, how […]

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Anna May Wong in “Daughter of the Dragon”

August 29, 2009 a picture is worth a thousand words

Tweet Anna May Wong in “Daughter of the Dragon”, originally uploaded by The Absence of Alternatives. There is so much theorizing and critique one can do based on this one image, I don’t even know where to start… Or, if you don’t mind, I find it hilarious.  Is it a sign that we have come […]

Valiant Struggle No. 11

August 28, 2009 a picture is worth a thousand words

Tweet Valiant Struggle No 11, originally uploaded by The Absence of Alternatives. This piece is part of the Public Art exhibit in Chicago: “A Conversation with Chicago: Contemporary Sculptures from China“. Valiant Struggle No. 11 by Chen Wenlin I like “Protest Art”, or art with a message, as much as the next socially conscious and […]

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Desperate Housewives: The Disney Princess Version

August 28, 2009 a picture is worth a thousand words

Tweet Desperate Housewives: The Disney Princess Version, originally uploaded by The Absence of Alternatives. This is one of my favorite cartoons from the Sundays.

3 comments